Drumline

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my future. What exactly have I done in college in the past two years that will prepare me for the world after graduation? All I can see right now is a lot of jumping around different organizations, finding that I don't fit with any of them. I trusted my senses and beliefs to guide me to my friends, but in the end it seems that trusting my own senses has not led to finding the right group, but a sense of isolation from everyone. Is there something I did wrong?
Throughout my freshman year, I didn't think too much about my future. I trusted my past activities as a sign of my future direction, and decided to do drumline. Although I realized from the beginning that I didn't fit in, there were multiple aspects I felt. One was my frustration in high school against my drum teacher. There seemed to be a sense of favoritism where he would give the top drumline spots such as snare to the younger kids and not me. It is very possible that I didn't practice enough, but there were so many factors that made the playing field uneven. Progression in that drumline was virtually non-existent. Each person had his/her role on the drumline, and that role was unchanging. If I wanted to move from bass to snare, it was virtually impossible for me to do so. Practice would always be me on the bass because I am the only person who can do it well. There was never a chance for me to play snare and progress to what I wanted to do. Instead, I am stuck serving a function that, while important, sucked for me and created a lot tension between me and my drum instructor.
I hoped that college would be better in terms of progression. But not really. Northwestern's drumline was fixed too: there is no way to move from one section to another without practicing on your own outside of class. And practicing by yourself was hard. I remembered stopping my daily routine of practice freshman year and asking myself multiple times: Why am I doing this? Is it for love of drumming? No. Is it for love of the community? I like the guys there, but there is no way I can open myself to that extent and hang out with them. I will lose my control, my diligence in work, and what matters to me. Even right now, I still think of doing drumline just so that I can show I have perseverance to follow through with my goals. But then, I thought, what are my goals? Are they worth fighting for? Is it really worth it drilling out another year of forcing myself to practice so that I can make it to snare, and yet end up still feeling segregated from the rest of the drumline? Do I really want this to be my college experience? I don't think so.
I've got to open myself again, and let go.