Blogging About Me

Yay! Friday! Time to write a blog.
College seems so fast. Time went by so quickly in a short span of two years. Upon reflection, there are many interesting moments I have had at Northwestern so far. Indulge me in a few moments to reflect them:

Freshman year:
-was introduced to religion/Christianity, found multiple communities in college who were very accepting of me. However, I rejected them in the end.
-joined the drumline. It was an interesting experience, going to all the games and playing those half-time shows. Although I didn't feel incorporated into the experience.
-focused on writing classes, which were ok, but I didn't feel that they expanded on my writing abilities.

Sophomore year:
-Really didn't do much, focused on classes as opposed to anything else.
-Worried a lot about getting a job this summer.
-Found and hanged out with NUSAF, the Singaporean group on campus.

So really, in my judgement. Not a very eventful two years. I don't know what it is, but it seems that I am continually getting lost in my own associations. I know that I identify myself as Chinese-Chinese. But whatever social group I hang out with, I feel myself as an outsider. During dinner table talks at ISRC, I shun others and eat alone, offering no opinion or any jokes. During NUSAF outings, I also keep quiet and become very introverted. I have nothing to say, I think to myself.
Being different from other people is something I prided on. Instead to actively trying to fit into groups in high school and college, I started branching out. Instead of being open and meeting new friends, I shunned away from them, viewing them as competitors and unworthy people in the race to get into college. I wanted to hang out with the best, and I thought I had to be the best to be accepted by them. Otherwise I would be considered quite useless to them. Thus, I believed I had to choose my friends wisely.
The fear of failure, the fear of being outcasted. That's what has been driving most of my life. I think about it every day on a constant basis. What if I don't get a high paying job when I graduate? What if I don't get a high GPA? I have a set track for myself, and believe that nothing should steer me away from it, and everything that gets in the way should be thrown aside. That is why I can't seem to set myself free.
I have two years left, and I can't wait anymore.