Ok, I'm going to try to let some steam off.

I am at a point in my life now, where I canbe the most confused I can possibly be.  After two years of messing around in college, I think I've finally realized over the past week how screwed I am, not just for college life in general, but perhaps the immediate years after graduation as well.  I have taken a non-traditional path in college, opting to do the things I found cool or can generate buzz.  Doing drumline, auditioning for Boomshaka, doing Taekwondo.  All these things, in retrospect, were totally useless.  Perhaps apart from the fact that I have the position as president, which is something to fit onto my resume, I don't think I have anything presentable to potential employers.

I had this grand but very naive scheme whenIfirst entered college that I would buck the trend that other college students take.  Hey, guess what, no asian has ever done drumline before, so why not do that?  And while I am at it, why don't I try to get on snare?  Instead of venting out my fustration with my high school drum instructor, I decided to keep it to myself and wait until college.  Big mistake, in retrospect.  I should have had to the guts to speak to him in person, and say "I've spent three years with you guys, helping you people out, coming all the way from freaking Flushing every Friday and Sunday, spending $10 a god-damn week, so that I can be stuck playing an instrument I don't like?  This is riduculous!"  But alas, because of fear, I wasn't able to do it.  I'm just afraid my ideas and thoughts won't be accepted, that I will be seen as a cast-out.  Or worse, somehow disgrace them.  No one was really there to tell me to stand up for myself.  Not my parents, not my friends from elementary to high school.  There was always the sense of putting other people before me.  One might think this is good, but for me its been taken to the extreme, to the point where it is having a detrimental effect on my life.  Sometimes, I can't even really see what's ahead of me in the future, becuase I can't seem to get anything I wanted.

Yeah, quite depressing.  But I've got to survive, I can't let this get to me.

Drumline

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my future. What exactly have I done in college in the past two years that will prepare me for the world after graduation? All I can see right now is a lot of jumping around different organizations, finding that I don't fit with any of them. I trusted my senses and beliefs to guide me to my friends, but in the end it seems that trusting my own senses has not led to finding the right group, but a sense of isolation from everyone. Is there something I did wrong?
Throughout my freshman year, I didn't think too much about my future. I trusted my past activities as a sign of my future direction, and decided to do drumline. Although I realized from the beginning that I didn't fit in, there were multiple aspects I felt. One was my frustration in high school against my drum teacher. There seemed to be a sense of favoritism where he would give the top drumline spots such as snare to the younger kids and not me. It is very possible that I didn't practice enough, but there were so many factors that made the playing field uneven. Progression in that drumline was virtually non-existent. Each person had his/her role on the drumline, and that role was unchanging. If I wanted to move from bass to snare, it was virtually impossible for me to do so. Practice would always be me on the bass because I am the only person who can do it well. There was never a chance for me to play snare and progress to what I wanted to do. Instead, I am stuck serving a function that, while important, sucked for me and created a lot tension between me and my drum instructor.
I hoped that college would be better in terms of progression. But not really. Northwestern's drumline was fixed too: there is no way to move from one section to another without practicing on your own outside of class. And practicing by yourself was hard. I remembered stopping my daily routine of practice freshman year and asking myself multiple times: Why am I doing this? Is it for love of drumming? No. Is it for love of the community? I like the guys there, but there is no way I can open myself to that extent and hang out with them. I will lose my control, my diligence in work, and what matters to me. Even right now, I still think of doing drumline just so that I can show I have perseverance to follow through with my goals. But then, I thought, what are my goals? Are they worth fighting for? Is it really worth it drilling out another year of forcing myself to practice so that I can make it to snare, and yet end up still feeling segregated from the rest of the drumline? Do I really want this to be my college experience? I don't think so.
I've got to open myself again, and let go.

My Summer

As Spring Quarter quickly comes to an end, I find myself thinking more and more about summer. From mid-June to early July, I will be traveling to Japan and Singapore. I should be super excited, but uncertainty lingers in the air. This will be the first time I really made a decision without telling my parents. I used 2k out of my summer allowance of 4k for the air tickets. according to KX and my own estimations, I will need about 1.5k for the living expenses. Also, I will neeed 2k for summer housing. With all this financial burden, I am actually very unsure whether I will be able to survive this summer. But nevertheless, I will hopefully weather this storm successfully.

Blogging About Me

Yay! Friday! Time to write a blog.
College seems so fast. Time went by so quickly in a short span of two years. Upon reflection, there are many interesting moments I have had at Northwestern so far. Indulge me in a few moments to reflect them:

Freshman year:
-was introduced to religion/Christianity, found multiple communities in college who were very accepting of me. However, I rejected them in the end.
-joined the drumline. It was an interesting experience, going to all the games and playing those half-time shows. Although I didn't feel incorporated into the experience.
-focused on writing classes, which were ok, but I didn't feel that they expanded on my writing abilities.

Sophomore year:
-Really didn't do much, focused on classes as opposed to anything else.
-Worried a lot about getting a job this summer.
-Found and hanged out with NUSAF, the Singaporean group on campus.

So really, in my judgement. Not a very eventful two years. I don't know what it is, but it seems that I am continually getting lost in my own associations. I know that I identify myself as Chinese-Chinese. But whatever social group I hang out with, I feel myself as an outsider. During dinner table talks at ISRC, I shun others and eat alone, offering no opinion or any jokes. During NUSAF outings, I also keep quiet and become very introverted. I have nothing to say, I think to myself.
Being different from other people is something I prided on. Instead to actively trying to fit into groups in high school and college, I started branching out. Instead of being open and meeting new friends, I shunned away from them, viewing them as competitors and unworthy people in the race to get into college. I wanted to hang out with the best, and I thought I had to be the best to be accepted by them. Otherwise I would be considered quite useless to them. Thus, I believed I had to choose my friends wisely.
The fear of failure, the fear of being outcasted. That's what has been driving most of my life. I think about it every day on a constant basis. What if I don't get a high paying job when I graduate? What if I don't get a high GPA? I have a set track for myself, and believe that nothing should steer me away from it, and everything that gets in the way should be thrown aside. That is why I can't seem to set myself free.
I have two years left, and I can't wait anymore.